So while everybody in the 20’s flirted and hooked up and lived the big single life, I was a young house frau. I knew what I had, appreciated it and lived a very ordinary mr and mrs – life where there is not so much unpredictable and where flirting and “playing” was not really what I used or practiced. That I later found out that I would like a mix of “the fairy tale and mr and mrs” is another story we can take a look at later 🙂

Now I am a full-blooded adult woman who is back at the dating market, but there is something that others know and can out there, which I do not. Something I don’t do very well. It is far from what I am and I do not fully understand how it goes. “Playing by the rules” in other words, “You have to play the game!” WHAT?? What rules are there, someone who has forgotten to send me the game and the booklet rules for that game so I have a fair chance, or?

I’m honest, I’m really, I’m not hesitant to say I want someone or curious about them after a while. If I feel I want to be curious about them or want to get to know them better, I say that.

Is not it better than guessing? No better than the awkward situations where you do not know what the other wants? Why should I hesitate with that part of me? What is it that’s SO scary. I’m not talking about being stalker or becoming an uplifting and demanding bitch that licking your ear-wax out of your ear but about being sincere about how I feel and what I want.

Actually, Tinder and all the other Apps are right for you. In a swipe you have shown that you want something that you have an interest and curiosity on the other. Why is it then made to a real world rule that we do not have to express what we want, play precious, etc. when we need to talk to each other?

But no, stop halfway .. stop stop stop, you can not! Then you’ll be beaten home 😉

You must play costly, let them come to you, lie out and wait, do not show too much interest, you must hold on to yourself, yet give just enough to want more. You must be naughty, but not too cheap, do not wait too long for six, preferably have sex on first or second date and you do not seem to want them or want them too much. The best you really just pull you gets cold.

Need to say that i hate the game! And I get sweaty on my forehead at all to be single because that means I do not have to show myself completely, obviously. I have to hold on to myself, do not be too sweet, express me too much or give too much of myself. There are rules on that.

For a while, I just wanted to throw the towel in the ring because I feel that I feel over and over again that I’m doing “too much of” or “I’m too much”. It pursues me always has, until now, and now I’m just what I am with ALL what that may be. Pissing on the rules honestly, I’m making my own. I have found peace with that, and a strength in it in fact, because I relax more, with myself and with others when I choose to be all me, even when I date. Therefore, my relationships are no longer strenuous or fake, but honest and straightforward, it is liberating and rewarding. I would like to deposit. I take care of myself, not the mask, I can not find it anymore either.

Obviously I’m not good at the “game” and I really like it. Because I thought it was beautiful to show interest if it is there, yes yes, no such thing, “now I’m sorry for you” and definitely have to be flirted and tortured and bored and all that loves the “up game” but I do not mind if I have to think about everything I say and write to not seem too much or too interested. Is there nothing beautiful and honest about showing up completely? Or, where is the fear really – in the rejection, fear of rejection when we show ourselves or to be seen right and vulnerable?

I’m still learning about the game and how I want to play it and that’s ok. It’s not always easy, but I also want to be true to myself here when I date, drop games and “what’s right to do now” and just be me. I do not want to adapt to the game, that is laid out by my feet because everyone else plays it in a particular way, I’d rather be the one who stands out and doing it in my own way, from an honest place.

 

From a curious heart. Have a beautiful sunday.

Joy

 

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